Things I've Learnt

Lessons on Love

That giving someone your all doesn't help if the person shuts himself away from you and doesn't want to take it.

That no matter how much you tell yourself that it's his loss and his fault, it still hurts.

That lying to yourself that he doesn't deserve you doesn't work, because the truth is that you don't deserve him.

That emotional pain can actually feel like a physical kick in your guts.

That no matter how hard you try to shut him out of your mind, everywhere you turn, you see something that reminds you of him - a whiff of his cologne, his sharp nose on someone else's face, his same bag carried by another man, the same confident swagger on a passerby, the office where he works, the make of car you know he drives.

That any man that enters your circle somehow never measures up to him.

That you can be checking out a good looking man for a maximum of merely 4 seconds before you conclude that he isn't as handsome as your guy and immediately lose interest.

That something can actually be over before it even begins.

That he means more to you than you care to admit.

That you can carry on for months in a state of blissful ignorance, only to be woken up by, of all things, a single brusque sentence.

That manipulation isn't an art confined to the fairer sex.

That he can be your motivation and simultaneously your demoralisation.

That you can help him fold up his sleeves, pat down his trousers, rub his neck and back when he's tired, pluck threads off his shirt, bring him hot water and herbal tea when his sinus strikes, cook him his favourite foods, do anything and everything to make sure he is comfortable, happy and healthy 100% of the time, even though you're close to exhaustion yourself.

That you can actually be happy doing things for him without asking for anything in return.

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Lessons on Work

That you can be made redundant anytime, for the stupidest of reasons.

That money turns out to be the main motivating factor in your job, despite how you've never thought of yourself as a materialistic person.

That when you move on, you miss your old colleagues - who have become friends - terribly.

That working in the CBD means that food is expensive, transport is expensive, and the daily fashion parade on show, modelled by impossibly slender girls with fair perfect skin and long, lean limbs, is utterly demoralising.

That things aren't as bad as you feared they would be when you see all your new colleagues hitting their sales targets effortlessly.

That CBD people are damn unfriendly - smile at them and they don't even acknowledge you with so much as a flicker of their mascara-ed and curled eyelashes.

That you actually miss the food court in your old workplace, compared to CBD food.

That you're getting hell of a lot more money, but you'd be willing to take (a little bit) less in exchange for a friendly smile and chattier colleagues.

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Lessons on Fashion

That it is a horrible mistake to explore Shenton Way and Tanjong Pagar in high heels.

That, despite the above statement, high heels go well with practically everything and vamp up the frumpiest outfit, therefore you should keep wearing them.

That empire-waisted tops are fabulous for (ahem) fuller figures.

That the right bag attracts more admiration than even the most gorgeous clothes.

That you shouldn't wear buttoned shirts if you have a large bust, because buttons are annoying and tend to spring open in the most crowded places possible.

That a blazer is the best investment ever because you can be wearing a plain spaghetti strap top, but throw a blazer on and it instantly turns you into a high-powered career woman.

That maternity clothes can look even more hip than normal clothes.

That any man looks great as long as he is in a shirt and tie.

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Lessons on Makeup

That if you have perfect skin, you can get away with just about anything.

That mascara is the only item you need to make you look glowingly refreshed and wide awake.

That blusher on the apples of your cheeks instantly makes you look happy even if you're not.

That you'll eat any lipsticks or lip glosses on your lips anyway, so no point touching up on them.

That you just can't understand why some girls can pile on sunscreen, moisturiser, foundation, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, concealer, blusher, shimmer, lip liner, lipstick, lip gloss, and loose powder, and still manage to move their faces without it cracking into a million pieces.

That if you were to do the same as the abovementioned girls, you would faint from lack of oxygen within 10 minutes and your pores would be clogged for life.

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Lessons on Life in General

That babies are little mini-miracles of life.

That good-looking men come equipped with unmanageable egos.

That by the age of 25, most of your friends are attached/engaged/married/pregnant/mothers and you start to worry about yourself, who is not attached/not engaged/not married/not pregnant/not a mother.

That praying together with your friends tends to bring you more satisfaction and amazingly, yield better results.

That you should never, never, never, never, never drink on an empty stomach. NEVER. I cannot emphasise this enough.

That you have resigned yourself to the fact that if, at 25, you haven't outgrown the PlayStation, you probably never will.

That football is best watched in large groups of friends, but watch out for the obscenities.

A Tragic Fairy Tale

I was supposed to blog about my Bangkok trip and put up photos, which I will (eventually) when I have more time. Right now, my schedule is kind of packed but I feel somewhat guilty about not blogging, since my friends have been bugging me to post something and complaining that my blog is purely ornamental nowadays.

So, I'm just going to post a quick little story that Jess and I made up when we had way too much time on our hands one day. It is far-fetched and doesn't make any sense but seriously, I don't care. It's just a space filler.

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This tale of lust, forbidden love, betrayals, lies and deceit is set in 189 AD, in the Han Dynasty. Emperor Zhong, a powerful but (unusually, for that era) benevolent ruler, reigned over an enormous empire stretching from Persia to India. His people were well-fed and satisfied, he had won peace after years of bloody battles and long-drawn negotiations with the barbarians of the north, and he himself had a harem of 3,000 beautiful concubines, personally handpicked by the Empress Dowager herself.

Despite Emperor Zhong having 3,000 concubines for his pleasure, he favoured only a handful. Of these, 8 concubines eventually gave him 9 children - 8 sons and a daughter.

Even in that day and age, when boys were universally favoured and girls were regarded as mere vessels to produce sons, Emperor Zhong's favourite child was his only daughter, Princess Jun. For starters, she was born to his favourite concubine, Lady Xiang, widely acknowledged to be the most beautiful lady in the land with a face to rival the famous beauty Xi Shi. Also, unfortunately, Lady Xiang died of an illness at the tender age of 21, leaving her 5-year-old daughter motherless. Emperor Zhong, out of fealty to his beloved concubine, took Princess Jun under his wing and showered her with love, instead of leaving her to the care of the palace attendants and nursemaids.

Princess Jun grew up to be the spitting image of her mother. Everyone who saw her was struck by her sublime beauty and enchanted by her vivaciousness and many talents. She was superb at painting, calligraphy and music, highly educated for a girl, and often spent her days reading the classics or playing the qin in the sheltered pavillion in the grounds of her palace in the Forbidden City.

Besides Princess Jun, Emperor Zhong had 8 sons, among them the Crown Prince, born to him and Empress Wei. Despite the Crown Prince's status, he was weak and perpetually ill from childhood; many wags whispered that, if Emperor Zhong had his way, he would give the title of Crown Prince to his fourth son, Fourth Prince Yi, instead.

Prince Yi was born to another of the emperor's favourites, Lady Yun, and was a year older than Princess Jun. Bright, forthcoming and handsome, he was singled out by the emperor and his ministers as a talent to groom for the future. Prince Yi excelled in both the martial arts and academic learning, and was so brilliant that from the tender age of 14 Sun Zhao-Ren, the famed scholar who was personally asked by Emperor Zhong to tutor the young prince, gave up and told the emperor that he had nothing left to teach the boy; he had surpassed his tutor. At the age of 20, Prince Yi was made Commander-General of the Imperial Guards. In essence, he controlled the entire military force of China.

Because they were close in age, and their mothers had been close as well, Prince Yi and Princess Jun grew up together. Prince Yi watched over the delicate, beautiful Princess Jun and kept her from harm, while Princess Jun adored her older and intelligent half-brother. They remained close even as they grew older and began assuming adult responsibilities. Prince Yi personally handpicked 7 of his best guards to guard his sister, while Princess Jun, on her part, provided much-needed moral support and a listening ear to her battle-hardened brother.

However, they say that an idle mind stirs up mischief. So it was for Princess Jun, who, cooped up day after day in her palace, began to be restless. She was extremely intelligent, and for a girl with her sharp mind there was only so much embroidering and reading she could do. She needed an outlet for her pent-up boredom, and she found it in the shape of a man named Jie.

Jie was a subordinate of Prince Yi and one of his trusted lieutenants. At that point, the prince was away, leading a war upon a barbarian tribe who had been raiding and killing freely in the southern provinces. Because Jie was highly capable and looked upon favourably by the prince, who was grooming him for a high position in the military, he was left behind in charge of the Imperial guard in the palace - the personal army protecting Emperor Zhong, his ministers, concubines, and children. Among them was Princess Jun.

It didn't take long for Jie and Princess Jun to begin an illicit affair. Princess Jun had a trusted lady-in-waiting named Ming, who was their middleman and messenger and helped her mistress cover up the affair. Of course, at that time, consorting with a princess was a crime punishable by death. If they were found out, Jie would be executed and quartered on the spot, while Princess Jun would face exile to remote Siberia. Accomplices like Ming would be executed, while Prince Yi would face demotion from his post and stripped of his titles for failing to watch over his sister and safeguard her virginity.

Worst of all, Princess Jun was already betrothed to King Cao, a powerful warlord who ruled over vast tracts of land in the east. This marriage was meant to seal the empire's alliance with the kingdom. But if King Cao should discover that Princess Jun had betrayed him with another man before their marriage, it could not only sunder the alliance, the insult could mean war between the two lands.

Princess Jun knew she was putting a lot of people's lives at risk, but she was so caught up in the adrenaline and excitement of what she was doing that she could not stop. She held no particular feelings for Jie; he was just a rather good-looking toy to her, something to alleviate her boredom. She found it palpitations-inducingly exciting when Jie was smuggled into her bedchamber in the nights by Ming, who would dress him up in one of her own maid's robes to disguise him, or when her father or brother came to visit while Jie was still ensconced in her room with her.

Jie, on the other hand, was merely honoured in the beginning to be chosen as the beautiful princess's lover, but as the days went by he fell deeply in love with her. It hurt him to the core that he could never have her, and he knew that she was not in love with him, yet she melted his heart effortlessly. He was racked with guilt at his betrayal to his superior, Prince Yi, and afraid of the consequences. But he could not help himself when it came to her; he loved her too deeply.

After a month, when Prince Yi won the war and returned with plunder from the barbarians, he had no inkling that his beloved sister was having an affair with his trusted protege. Handsome and young he may be, but the prince had no interest in women, marriage, or anything of that sort. To him, his life was the battlefield, and his only duty was to his father and his country.

Because of that, he did not see the events unfolding before him. He did not see how, when his sister stepped out of her palace to greet his triumphant return, her eyes flickered first to where Jie was standing behind him. He did not see how she allowed a small smile to touch her lips at the sight of Jie. He did not see how Jie looked down with his hands trembling at the sight of her. He did not see how, as she threw her arms around him in exuberant greeting, she let her silk handkerchief slip out of her hands and fall to the ground in front of Jie. And he did not see how Jie, on the pretext on leaving the siblings alone in private, turned away and stooped quickly to pick up the handkerchief before slipping it into his armour and marching away.

If he did not notice the heated signals between Princess Jun and Jie, Prince Yi certainly did not notice the longing looks of the princess's faithful lady-in-waiting Ming. Their acquaintance had begun years ago, when the prince had ridden into Princess Jun's palace courtyard on a magnificent black stallion and nearly ran over Ming, who was running across the courtyard on an errand for her mistress. Ming crumpled to the ground and remained there head bowed, but much to her astonishment, unlike the other high-and-mighty court officials, Prince Yi got off his stallion and lifted her up. He then gave her a white silk handkerchief and told her to keep it to clean her hands, which were slightly scuffed by her fall. Then, cool as ever, he swung back up on his horse and rode off, but not before he had captured Ming's heart with his dashing good looks and kindness to a mere servant girl.

Years later, Ming was almost as miserable as Jie in her unrequited love for Prince Yi, as she knew the Prince would likely never marry. And even if he did, he would marry a lady of noble blood, and not a lady-in-waiting. But each time he came to visit Princess Jun, she hovered around him, a picture of quiet and demure solicitude, hoping and wishing for a glance, a smile, anything, but the prince never seemed to notice her. Ming was very beautiful herself, loyal and sweet, but she just could not attract Prince Yi's notice because the prince was too caught up in court and military affairs to ever notice women. She had plucked up the courage once and gone to the prince's palace on a made-up pretext, deliberately bumped into him, and shyly held out a present she had made for him - a white silk handkerchief which she had embroidered herself. She hoped that it would jog his memory of the day when he had helped her up and given her his handkerchief. The prince, however, hopelessly dense when it came to affairs of the heart, merely frowned and asked, "What's this? Who asked you to give this to me?", whereupon the poor girl's courage faltered and she fled, present still in hand.

These convoluted love affairs might have carried on forever if not for the fact when one day, Jie's good friend Rong, who was also one of the Imperial Guards, began getting suspicious of Jie's long absences from his post, especially at night. He started questioning Jie, who was already facing immense pressure from the need to hide his affair with Princess Jun from the many watchful eyes in the court, as well as having his heart broken by Princess Jun's flippant attitude towards him. Jie eventually broke down and confessed all to Rong.

Hearing this, Rong broke out in a cold sweat. Now that he knew about the affair, he was officially an accomplice and would be put to death along with Jie if they were found out. He was close friends with Jie, but he knew his friend was playing with fire and would end up getting everyone around him killed. To forestall this scenario, Rong went to the Empress Dowager and poured out everything that Jie had told him.

The Empress Dowager was furious with good reason, and demanded that the suitable punishments be meted out. Prince Yi was devastated at the double whammy of the betrayal by his sister and his lieutenant, and immediately offered to resign his post and exile himself to a distant land for failing in his duty. Princess Jun was appalled at the consequences of her affair, clearly spelt out now, and tried to hang herself, only to be saved by Ming, who herself faced execution and was placed under lock and key together with the princess.

However, Emperor Zhong could not bear to order his precious daughter exiled, much less strip his favourite son of his titles when he knew Prince Yi never knew about the affair. Furthermore, he had already made up his mind to confer the title of Crown Prince on Prince Yi, and to promote Jie, who was highly recommended by the prince, to Commander-General once Prince Yi became Emperor. Also, there was the matter of the princess's betrothal to consider.

Benevolent though he was, he could not so easily spare the other perpetrators of this monstrous crime. Jie was duly executed and Rong, despite him telling the Empress Dowager what happened, was exiled quickly and without announcements so as to prevent him spreading the news anywhere else in the court and tainting the princess's upcoming marriage. Princess Jun was married off to King Cao quickly, and despite her pleading for the life of her maidservant to be spared, Ming was executed as well. On the night of her marriage, Princess Jun, having lost her brother, her family, her lover, and her good friend and servant, killed herself by jumping into a well.

Upon receiving the news of his sister's death, Prince Yi broke down completely. He went to the lifeless and empty palace of Princess Jun where they had spent so many happy days, and looked through his beloved sister's possessions, remembering her and her sharp wit, outstanding beauty, and loveable sweetness.

Among her possessions, however, he discovered something: A letter written by Ming, in the days when she was imprisoned along with Princess Jun to await a sentence. The letter was addressed to him, but apparently she had never dreamt that it would be found and read by anyone, much less him. When he read it, he realised how that quiet young maidservant had been in love with him for years, and how blind and foolish he had been to devote himself to the military and never notice her.

Prince Yi had lost everything, and so, he pulled his sword out of its scabbard and slit his own throat.

So ends this tragic tale...

Busybodies at Work

All right, I do realize that my blog has started to spawn flies after lying unused for almost two months.

The truth is, ever since school started again, I have been so busy that all my days and nights just seem to blend into one phantasmagorical landscape. It’s a lot worse this semester because I have more assignments than ever before – 11 in total. And they are all 2,500-word essay-type assignments that are incredibly research-heavy and require the usage of maybe 8 different books and journals. That’s a conservative estimate, by the way.

In consequence, the bibliography is enough to kill me. I can literally spend 4 hours just doing the bibliographies for my assignments.

The good thing (or bad, depending which way you look at it) is that time really flies. It seems like only yesterday when I was staggering around half-drunk in Butter Factory celebrating my birthday and before I really noticed it, 3 months have gone by.

The speed at which my days are flashing past me is so incredible, it scares me at times. But at the same time, it exhilarates me because my days are packed full and every day brings something new and interesting to do.

I thought life was going to get dull after my favourite colleague C left for another job that is paying him frigging twice the amount he was getting in our company. C is my favourite because he is a real clown and constantly makes me laugh. I’ve lost count of the amount of times we have lunch or dinner together where he tells us funny stories that make us laugh so hard we have to clutch our aching stomachs.

We had a farewell dinner for C at Brazil 2 weeks ago, where C and I gorged our way through chunks of fresh lamb, beef, chicken and the to-die-for buttered salmon. As you can probably tell by now, the both of us are the best people to bring along to buffets because we’d make sure we get our money’s worth and more besides. Jess and our other colleague J were there as well, but J has always had a small appetite because he is a scrawny bamboo pole of a guy and Jessie was rather off-colour that day appetite-wise.

As usual, C kept all of us entertained throughout the night with his stories. That dude is one of the most crazy and colourful characters I’ve ever met. He’s my little ray of sunshine indeed (that’s what I used to call him). Which is why I thought work was going to get boring without him.

But far from being boring, everything exploded in a scandal of Hiroshima proportions that kept us and the bosses talking for weeks. What happened was probably the biggest scandal ever in the history of our rather stodgy company.

Two days after C left, I got called into our big boss’s office by my supervisor, who is my sort of “small” boss. I didn’t think it was anything out of the ordinary at first because it’s normal in my office to have these little meetings between the big and small bosses regarding one account or another. I just assumed we were going to talk about some upcoming contract renewals.

But when I entered the office, I saw Mr. Incompetent, who is also C’s small boss, sitting there looking grim. And I knew immediately it was not going to be good because Mr. Incompetent deals with a totally different aspect in the company; he is not involved with our end at all.

So they sat me down, and with all 3 bosses facing me, they informed me (rather gleefully, I might add) that after C left, they had accessed his email inbox and found all the emails between him and the rest of our group of colleagues. AND they had found all the personal emails between me and him only – all 400-plus of them. AND they had gone to the trouble of retrieving the emails he deleted.

Needless to say, they now had a birds’ eye view of what was going on in our personal lives, our gripes about our professional lives, and perhaps worst of all, they’d found all the insults hurled at Mr. Incompetent.

Try “gold-digging bald gorilla”, for a start. But in all fairness, Mr. Incompetent IS bald, and he digs his nose all the time. AND then flicks his nice ripe boogers onto the carpeted floor.

So the inquisition began.

“What was C so unhappy about? Are you unhappy about anything? Why did C say this in this email? Why did you say that in that email?”

I crossed my legs languidly and leaned back in my chair with my arms folded across my chest, looking to all the world like the perfect picture of innocence and insouciance – but in fact I’d folded my arms because I wanted to hide the trembling of my hands. I don’t believe my mind has ever worked so fast before, as it whizzed and whirled and twisted, all my synapses firing at full throttle and my neurons flying from axon to axon, while I spoke calmly, clearly, coolly, and concocted plausible and nice-sounding explanations for C’s conduct and the contents of our emails.

The bosses seemed satisfied by that, though I’m not certain that I did pull the wool completely over their eyes. But nevertheless, they said they accepted my explanations and they would leave it at that since “C has already left us”. But they would be “monitoring” all of us from now on – meaning our entire gang who was involved in this email shit (though none of them got called up but me because C and I had the most email conversations going).

So I thought that was that, when the bosses changed tack and started telling me how they look upon me as a “little sister” that they “care about”, and so because of that they are concerned with the company I am keeping.

Small Boss went so far as to tell me that if I “hang out with negative people, all my relationships will be negative” and I won’t get a “good guy”. This was followed by Mr. Incompetent telling me that they only “want the best for me” and that I need to be careful when choosing a guy for myself. Then Small Boss chipped in again saying that they think I need to get a good Christian boy who will share the same values as me since I’m Catholic.

I was a little confused. What did my personal choices in men have to do with this email stuff?

Then I figured – they thought I was in some sort of relationship with C, based on the emails we’d sent each other. Which could not be further from the damn truth! But what was worse was the fact that these people went through and read my highly personal emails and then attempted to give me advice on something they know nuts about and which they got all wrong anyway!

I didn’t tell them they were wrong though. I smiled, nodded and asked them bluntly if they were saying such stuff because they were worried I’d be negatively influenced by C.

They looked shocked that I was so quick on the uptake (like, duh) and began protesting vigorously. “No of course not!” “We’re only advising you because you’re like a younger sister to us!” “No that’s not what we mean at all!”

“Well, good,” I told them. “Because if I was so easily influenced I’d have left along with C.”

The bosses had the grace to look a little uncomfortable as they exchanged shifty looks with each other. But then again, that was that and I didn’t really care what they thought. I got the feeling they were being kaypoh and trying to dig information about what was really going on between C and me but I refused to give them anything to feed on.

Let them keep guessing. That’s what livens up their mundane working days anyway.

Temper, temper

I am not in a mood to be antagonised today.

I have been in an absolutely foul mood since Sunday for a variety of reasons, chief being a bad bout of PMS which has utterly messed up my hormones and turned my state of mind upside down. In fact, I've rarely had PMS so bad. Some people may beg to differ and insist that I'm temperamental most of the time anyway, but besides the haywire temperament this month's PMS has brought with it the full works.

I went to Hanabi at Odeon Towers with Jessie and our colleague C on Sunday, and had a fabulous buffet where we gorged ourselves on wonderfully fresh sashimi, tender morsels of beef grilled to perfection, succulent salmon steaks and a lot more besides. We literally ate ourselves silly that day. But the next day I woke up feeling bloated and out of sorts and decided to weigh myself.

I'd put on 2 kg. *crash bang boom*

I was horrified. Don't ask me why, since my mood was already foul and I could feel that my temper was getting unstable, but it never occurred to me to blame the weight gain and bloating on PMS. I just thought I was putting back all the weight I'd painstakingly lost and decided to do something very stupid, despite sniffling all day in the office and feeling the unmistakeable signs of a flu coming on.

I went jogging in the rain that night. *crash bang boom*

And obviously, I woke up sick the next day and ended up being on MC for 2 days. Believe me, being ill and PMS-ing at the same time is not a good combination. Half the time you want to kill someone, while the other half is spent fantasising about various ways to kill yourself.

Things did not get better today when I dragged my doped-up, drowsy arse back to the office and found my email inbox stuffed with 53 unread mails. To add on to my frustrations, our office's resident Mr. Incompetent (who shall remain unnamed) fucked up - and I mean literally fucked up - one of my cases, which was only rectified when I went straight to the big boss whom Mr. Incompetent is terrified of and whose ass he licks every hour.

It almost, but thankfully not quite, caused problems between me and my buddy colleague R as R thought at first that it was my fault, until we figured out that the problem was caused by a new staff who was a little confused about protocol and which was exacerbated by Mr. Incompetent sitting around on his ass not doing anything to fix the mistake for a month. Apparently he thinks R is psychic because he didn't give R any instructions to process what I needed; he assumed R somehow read my mind, got wind of the case and went to fix it.

My foul mood did not improve when D said to me, "Sheena, you're damn slow and bimbotic today."

Bimbotic?! I wanted to scream at the creep. I am probably one of the smartest, most intellectual, well-spoken, eloquent, and most intelligent specimen of the genus female this arse would ever have the good fortune to know, and he calls me bimbotic! Jesus, I'm doped up on cough and flu medicine and I admit have slightly slower reflexes and limited brain power, but still, I am still intellectually superior to that bozo!

And I am most certainly not a bimbo!

I turned and gave him a look that, if looks could kill, would have vapourised him into a cold mist by now and said tartly, "D, I am not in a mood to be antagonised today."

I swear, he took 2 steps back before gulping and nodding, which made me feel a little better about my disgusting day.

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Everything pisses me off now. Including, and especially, Newcastle.

The whole damn managerial merry-go-round at that club has degenerated into a farcical circus. Sacking Sam Allardyce, whom in my opinion is a decent manager, 21 games into the season was shocking in itself. It took Sir Alex Ferguson 3 years to win anything at Manchester United, and look where the club is now thanks to the board's patience. The whole sacking of Allardyce, and the entire crazy plucking of names out of a hat to fill the hot seat (all sorts of names were thrown out, from Alan Shearer to Gerard Houllier to Jose Mourinho, who probably laughed himself into a haemorrhage at the very thought of managing a club like Newcastle), made the club into a great big joke.

And now they have brought back the same man who walked out on the club 11 years ago because of his frustration at blowing a 12-point lead and losing the title to Man Utd. And this same man is being hailed as a Messiah by the Toon Army.

Seriously, unlike Jesus, I doubt Kevin Keegan can pull off much of a miracle, at least not at this stage of the season. And in the words of the man himself, I'd "love it, bloody love it" if we beat the shit out of them again, just to show them that chopping and changing managers every half a season isn't going to do a destabilised club any good.

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Do I have a huge neon sign on my forehead that blazes: "Only for fun/tug-of-war/cold storage"? The last time I looked in the mirror, the answer was no.

So why in the name of fuck am I being treated like a fun toy who is only good enough to be used as a weapon in a tug-of-war, or to be put aside in cold storage until whoever it is that stuffed me away has played enough and decided that I am the one he wants after all?

Creep No. 1, make up your damn mind about me. I am too young to be put into cold storage and too pissed off to put up with any more of your mind games. And since you either have no intention of doing anything about me, or are too stupid to know what to do about me, let me tell you the first thing you should be doing: do not get pissed off when you find out I'm going out with another guy.

Creeps No. 2 and 3, duke it out among yourselves first if you want, but don't embarrass yourselves by fighting in front of me. I am turned off enough to walk away from both of you.

Creep No. 4, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but when will you get it into your head that I am not a fucking rebound and that I'm sick and tired of hearing about your ex-girlfriend?

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Another shitty thing about PMS, besides the wild mood swings and the bloating, is that I am hungry. Constantly.

This obviously has worked wonders for my diet and exercise routine which I have been sweating buckets over.

I'm not only hungry all the time, I'm craving comfort food like rich, creamy pastas, cheese-oozing pizzas, bread slathered with Nutella, and for some odd reason, rice topped with an entire can of baked beans.

Sometimes I'm so hungry, I feel like I could eat the entire list of food above in one sitting. Trust me, it takes every ounce of whatever willpower I have (already pared to an all-time low because of my bad mood) to meekly stick to my yong tau foo or fishball noodles during lunchtime instead of ordering chicken pie, croissants, garlic beef and fried fish with rice, and beef stew, and scarfing it all down.

The only thing holding me back is imagining the horrified look on D's face as I stuff my fat face full to the brim. He may be Creep No. 1, in more ways than one, but he's good for some things.

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School is starting next week and I have a grand total of 11 essays to pia for this semester. Joy and glory.

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I am going to sit and stew and sulk and pout for the next one week until my period comes and my PMS eases up. In the meantime, I will be going around constantly with what R and C call my "ham bao" (Cantonese for crybaby) face. Put up with it, dolts.

If anything makes me feel better, it's that my ham bao face looks cute, and sounds cute too.

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In honour of my foul mood, I just wrote a poem (aha! Haven't seen my poems up on my blog for ages, have you? I think the last time I put my poems up on my blog was like way back in 2004). This poem is probably the darkest, creepiest, most depressing, and most morbid I've written in a long, long while. I used to think one of my other poems, Her Long Wait, was depressing and dark and morbid (go rummage through my archives for it yourself; I am in too foul a mood to bother searching), but boy, this one took my foul mood and depressed thoughts and turned it into stark tangible reality.

To illustrate, the name of the poem is Bleeding Blood. Morbid enough for you? Good.

I'm not posting it on my blog, for fear of people laughing at it. No, serious! I am not in a mood to be antagonised. Least of all by idiots who will laugh at the idea of foul-mouthed, uncouth me penning poems when I'm feeling down (which I really do have a habit of doing; it's a throwback to my Literature days in JC), and then to make things worse, laugh at my poem.

And it will probably give you graphic nightmares, so in the interest of all, I'm keeping it close to my chest and displaying only upon request. So there, put up with it. *ham bao face*

Thanksgiving

I meant to blog about 2007 and move on into 2008 at least 2 weeks back, but I was so busy with work and birthday/Christmas parties that I simply couldn’t find the time. Add on to all my busier-than-usual activities our office’s recent move to a new location, and it has been utter chaos.

Since my office is quite paper-heavy with loads of invoices, case files, and God only knows what other printouts – lots of which were meant to be archived – you can imagine our horror when the bosses triumphantly piled about 30 boxes filled to the brim with paper in front of us and ordered us to begin shredding them.

And since our office doesn’t have a shredding machine, we staff were turned into automatons, spending the better part of last week tearing papers up – some of which dated from freaking 1994.

Last Friday, which was the last day in our old office, was the one and only day we could spend just sitting around and talking cock because our server went down at 10 am – meaning that no work could be done but for shredding. So the under-25ers and I formed our own little circle and spent the day tearing up paper while chit-chatting to our hearts’ content without caring about work, or the bosses. We tore papers till all of us developed an ailment or another – cramped thumbs, swollen biceps, paper cuts, blistered fingers. Seriously, that was how much paper we had to shred.

The happiest person of all had to be our cleaner auntie, who has probably made a fortune by now selling off all our shredded paper.


Now, rewind back to 2007.

How do I feel about that year? Lots of mixed feelings, that’s for certain. But I can’t say definitely that “2007 was a bad year” or “2007 was a good year” because lots of things happened, some good, some bad.

In early 2007 I started school again for the first time after almost 2 years. The feeling of walking into campus with a bag slung over my shoulders, looking for all the world like just another tertiary student on her way to class, was so gratifying, especially since I’d gone through hell and high water to get readmitted.

And because I had discussed plans with my then-boyfriend and we had both agreed that I would not be working but instead would concentrate full-time on my studies, I was relying heavily on him financially. Not to mention emotionally as well, since my mother remarried and moved to the States with her American husband, leaving the house to me, and the ex promptly moved in and we began a proper couple life living in the same house and looking after each other’s needs – or so we thought.

Not working paid off in one small way when I got my results back in mid-2007 and scored an A and 2 B-pluses. However, it wasn’t long before I found myself flat on my face and without a cent to my name because my fiancé of 7 years decided to leave me for a married mother of two he’d known for a week.

Yup, apparently she was “the one”, notwithstanding the fact that she was sleeping with 3 other men, was still married, and had 2 kids, the oldest being only 4 years old.

In England, they have a slang word for women like that. It’s “slapper”. It conjures up a vivid, graphic, but very apt image of labia lips so loose they are slapping together.

Well, forgive me for the vivid imagery, but come on! You’ve got to hand it to the Brits and their stiff upper lips for coming up with a word that sounds quite proper but is actually seething with vulgarity.

Anyway, long story short, I forgave him, being the rather dumb, naïve, and needy person I was, only to fall flat on my face again 2 months later when he left me for – wait for this – a single mother of one.

I believe he has a fetish for ready-made families.

Anyway, after that, I tossed him out of my life like the pile of garbage he is without a second glance, got myself a good job, and with much help from my friends who stood firm with me as my Rocks of Gibraltar, I ended off 2007 on a good and high note.

I started this job in early September 2007, just after I had broken up with the ex, and I do think I wouldn’t have gotten back on track so quickly if not for the job. It filled up my time, I had Jess with me, I made new friends and we rapidly began going out together for outings, cookouts, and clubbing sessions, I caught up with many other friends, old and new, quit smoking, signed up for Pilates sessions at my workplace gym, and started swimming and jogging.

Somehow, I managed to make it to the end of 2007 without killing myself or killing the ex, though I have to admit my pals and my renewed dependence on Prozac played their part in helping.

It was during the last trimester of 2007 that I realized fully how dependent I had been on the ex, and how I should never let myself fall into such a trap again. I discovered the satisfaction of earning and spending my own money. I saw clearly, for the first time in 7 years, how I had been lowering myself for the ex and how, if we had gotten married like we’d planned, he would either have walked out on me and our kids anyway eventually, given his character, or we’d be living in poverty thanks to his habit of running up 5-figure debts on football betting. I saw how he would not have made a good or responsible husband and father, how he was too self-centred for his own good, how he had never appreciated me until after he’d lost me, and how he had never been a good person to begin with.

So why was I with him for so long, despite his horrible character? I have only 3 answers to that.

Firstly, at a period of time when I was very low and really needed someone, he stuck with me through it all.

Secondly, he did take care of me when I needed him to, I give him that much.

And thirdly, I loved him very much. And I’m the sort of person that idealises and “perfectionalises” someone I love, so much so that I overlook their flaws. The old adage “love is blind” was created specially for people like me.

Anyway, he’s out of my life, I’ve moved on, I think he has too, and what matters now to me is that I’m really happy and I recognize how much better off I am without him.

And then something happened in October that put many, many smiles on my face throughout the final trimester of 2007 – I got to know someone.

All right fine, it started out as a rebound crush. And it was very much lust-based because this guy is like damn yandao (in my opinion at least).

Until he decided to start being nice and sweet to me – extra nice, and extra sweet, while bo-hiu-ing other girls including Jess, I might add – and I realized that hey, this chap isn’t all that bad.

Right now our status is kind of moving forward one step, slipping backwards two, but it doesn’t really matter anyway because I’m slowly training myself to curb my impatience and go with the flow.

And last but not least, I would never have been able to get through 2007 – much less get through it happy – without the help of my many wonderful friends. And so, in the style of Pumpkin Flower, let me run through the listing of those people who I love and who love me in return.


To Pumpkin Flower (Jess):

Thank you for being there for me during the worst period. Thank you for shaking me up and getting me back to my feet with all the tough love. Thank you for listening to me bitch about D. But besides the crappy parts, I thank you most of all for sharing my joys (like Sockie, clubbing and, ahem, D), sharing my fun (our cookout and combined birthday parties), the beautiful presents, teaching me how to strut in 3-inch heels, and the nonstop outpouring of love. Cheers to a whole lifetime of “marriage”.

Berry Souffle (Wanz):

Thank you for all the saikang you did for me regarding the ex, like the chasing him for money. Thank you for being with me all the time practically 24/7. Thank you for the cookout sessions and the loans (haha). Thank you for the KTV outings and the (very small) shoulder to cry on. Thank you for sharing in my long-awaited iPod Nano.

Kevin:

Thank you for all the free meals, the free computer upgrades, and the iPod Nano. Thank you for the (very big) shoulder to cry on. Thank you for all the comfort you gave and all the times you were readily available. I know you said you were more concerned with the tears you gave me than the smiles, but think about it, the tears only happened that one time and they came for a good reason – because I knew I’d miss you, not for a bad reason like you beating the shit out of me or something like that.

Lemon Muffin (Yinghui):

Thank you for being my constant MSN buddy. Thank you for all the times you listened to me bitch about the ex and now D. Thank you for the loans. Thank you for the iPod Nano cover (aha! You almost blew it for the rest of the Piglets!) which is so perfect for my iPod and fits my devilish personality so perfectly. Thank you for being just about the best and most selfless listener possible.

Nethia:

Woman, I would have cut my wrists to ribbons if not for you. Thank you for looking after me and out for me. Thank you for putting yourself through the mind-numbing torture of having to talk to the ex for like 2 hours straight because of me, and even needing to control your impulse to strangle him and cut off his balls. Thank you for turning up alone for my birthday party at Butter Factory. You’re a biatch but God, do I love you.

Rest of Pig Clan:

Thank you for all the wonderful birthday and Christmas presents. Thank you for all the solidarity and support you showed me when the ex walked out. Thank you for cheering me up in your own little ways (especially Durian Cake/Sky and his spastic random dances). Thank you for coming to those parties Jess and I organized because it would not have been the same without you. Thank you all for being just simply the bestest friends I could ever have been blessed with.

TPP (Jaywalk):

I know you don't want me to call you TPP anymore, but let me do it for one last time ok? Thank you for giving me the opportunity to study. Thank you for all the presents, the free booze, the free meals. Thank you for the fun and laughter you bring to me everytime you're in the country. Thank you for being there whenever I need a rational, adult, cool, calm listening ear. Thank you for introducing me to other great people like Mee Pok, who obviously has helped me immensely as well and also deserves a big thank you hug from me. Thank you for always being thoughtful and caring and concerned.

D:

Yeah, I know it’s weird that I’m giving thanks to D, because he and I aren’t an item (yet), but hell, this guy has done an immense amount for me. He helped me get over the ex. He encouraged me to pick up jogging. He made me quit smoking (yes, he has that power). He made me forget my troubles whenever I was troubled by making me laugh. I especially liked it when he called the ex “a psycho retard” and expressed wonderment at his stupidity. So, thanks go to him for the laughter he brought into my life.

God:

You are DA MAN. And I’m leaving it at that because frankly, I don’t know what to say to express my gratitude at all I’ve been blessed with. But yeah, He will understand.


On to 2008!

Considering that 2008 is only about 1.5 weeks old, nothing much has happened, but what I can do is look forward.

First thing I need to do is lose weight. LOTS of it, in fact.

Second thing is to continue to get good grades. I got an A-plus, a B, and a B-minus for Sem 2, which isn’t too shabby, but there’s still room for improvement of course!

Third thing is to work my arse off and negotiate for a pay rise as soon as I can! I need that disposable income!

Generally, my plan for 2008 is to work hard, study hard, and play hard. That sounds like a pretty complete plan to me.

Hugeass Post

Since I haven't updated for ages, and this being the festive season where I had parties lined up galore, this is going to be a humongous Incredible Hulk kind of King Kong post.

With loads of pictures.

Please, if you are still running on a dinosaur-age 56.6k modem, don't read any further. Just click "back" on your browser.

Now, for all those people who are running on high-speed modems, come on into my crazy hectic world starting with my aunt's (my dad's older sister) 60th birthday celebration.

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16th DECEMBER

My aunt's very glam and noisy birthday celebration was held at Tung Lok Restaurant at East Coast, where my family had a private room to ourselves with 12 tables.

Twelve. Some weddings don't even have that many tables. Sometimes I'm shocked by how many relatives I have, despite being reminded of that fact every Chinese New Year when I go round to bai nian.

And my family is pretty fertile. I have at least 2 new nephews or nieces added each year courtesy of my innumerable cousins. They don't stop breeding, seriously. When I finally get married, I will probably need to bankrupt myself each year giving out ang pows.

It was really fun though, especially since there were relatives I hadn't seen in ages, and I got the chance to hug all my little nieces and nephews. And at the end of the night, everyone got really noisy and drunk - as is my family's wont at weddings and birthdays.




Check out my aunt's birthday cake. As you can probably tell from it, she's an ultra-high-level seasoned mahjong pro.




From left: My dad, my aunt the birthday lady, my grandmother, my second aunt.




My dad and me. I'm a daddy's girl through and through.




The latest addition to my family, my 4-month-old nephew Benedict.

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19th DECEMBER

This was a crazy night.

I'd arranged to go clubbing at Butter Factory for my birthday, and decided to extend an open invite to all my friends.

In the end, the people who turned up were: Wayne, Desmond, Francis, Meiyi, Katy, Alex, Veron, Adrian, Julia, Nethia, Luke, Bryan, Neo, Sara, Jessie, and Jackie. Not too shabby, eh? Muchos gracias to all who turned up!

I had barely been in the club 5 minutes before Wayne got me a Butter Factory Iced Tea, which I absolutely love. And from then on, the floodgates opened - literally.

I have vague memories of downing 3 Flaming Lambourghinis, 2 Butter Iced Teas, 5 shots of goodness knows what different things, 2 beers, a red wine, and several other housepours. I love being the birthday girl for this very reason - free drinks all the way.

Normally I pride myself on being able to hold my liquour well (hah! No way you perverts can date-rape me!) but with the copious amounts of alcohol I was ingesting at high speed that night, it was no wonder I started to feel woozy at about 2 am.

So I staggered outside to the back alley with Jess, Bryan, Wayne, Desmond, Luke and a few other guys. By that time I was so far gone I was swaying even while sitting down.

Jess, a little afraid that I would call D (who, by the way, is now known as BB for reasons only Jess and I are aware of), took my phone from me and held on tightly to it as I swayed drunkenly on the bench and demanded that she get BB down right that minute. I don't blame her; the last time I was at Butter Factory, I didn't exactly acquit myself very well by calling up my ex-boyfriend.

This time though, I couldn't care less about the ex - it was BB I wanted to see.

"Jess, get him down!" I demanded.

"No," Jess said stubbornly.

I decided to bargain a little.

"Come on Jess, I promise I won't sleep with him. At the most I'll snog him," I said.

Jess shot me the dirtiest possible look she could muster.

"No," she said with finality. "Look at you now - you're so drunk. Do you really want BB to see you in this state?"

"What the hell?" I said indignantly. "I'm not drunk ok! I can still walk in a straight line! I show you!"

And with that, I proceeded to stagger zigzaggedly down the alley with my friends' uproarious laughter trailing off behind me. Some friends they are.

Of course, that put paid to any more ideas of me asking BB down. Eventually we all left the club at 4 am and headed to Mac's for supper, and thankfully my head had cleared by then so I was able to walk down to Liang Court.

I finally got home at 5 am and fell into bed. There's more to come the next day!

(No pics 'cause I look ugly in all the pics Sara took.)

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20th DECEMBER

My actual birthdate, and this was the day I'd invited our colleagues down for a cookout/chillout/birthday/Christmas session.

Jessie and I had planned this months before, and Jess actually went to the trouble of preparing a nice little atas menu which she emailed to all the guys a week before to whet their tastebuds.




I was in charge of the salad rolls, penne bolognaise and brownies while Jess took care of the mushroom soup, baked rice and potato salad.


The both of us woke up at bloody 8 am - and fortunately I wasn't nursing a hangover - and went together to Cold Storage at Centrepoint to get our groceries.

While shopping, we came across the most amusing thing:




Look at that! We found a food that combines both Jess's and my nicknames together! There couldn't be a cuter affirmation of our best-friendship!


We finally got back at 11 am lugging a crazy amount of groceries, and once we started cooking it became clear, as Jess put it, that we were making enough to feed an entire army today and tomorrow.

The guys were told to come at 2 pm, but they all turned up late at about 2:30 pm. Which didn't matter because Jess and I hadn't finished cooking yet.

So amidst much complaints that they were hungry and needed food fast, we finally got the guys settled down with Sockie on the couch, watching Starsky and Hutch, while Jess and I frantically cobbled our dishes together.

Food was finally served much to the satisfaction of all. C absolutely loved my salad rolls and couldn't get enough of my brownies (heh), R and J fell in love with Jess's baked rice and mushroom soup, and Jess scarfed down my pasta like it was going out of style while I stuffed myself with her potato salad.

Later, the guys brought out a nice lychee cake that they were sweet enough to get for me, even though our gathering was supposed to be for Christmas and not my birthday.




My cake!




My cake with candles lit




Pumpkin Flower and me




J and me




R and me




C and me. C totally loved Sockie and was lavishing him with cuddles and pats, and Sockie seemed to gravitate towards him too, which wasn't too much of a surprise since we often tease C about being a Jack Russell Terrier as well, since he's active and mischievous and ji siao.




J and me again




R and his cutie-pie smile




C trying his best not to look yandao




Jess and me with the present she and J got for me. Tommy Hilfiger's "Dreaming"! When I ripped open the present I was jumping for joy!


Later after we finished our food, R went off on a hot date he had leaving the rest of us, so we switched off all the lights and watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen which was a fabulous movie.

So ended an equally fabulous birthday for me.

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22nd DECEMBER

Now this was the day everyone in Pig Clan had been looking forward to - our Pig Clan annual Christmas gathering plus Jessie's and my combined birthday celebrations.

The Pigs came in full force, no less, and we had great fun as usual, but the most fun part had to be the present exchange and Jess and I were swamped in gifts.

Kevin and Jiefang very sweetly baked some glorious muffins for everyone, Luke brought red wine, Jess and I ordered pizza and chicken wings, and everyone ate and toasted each other.

The warmth and happiness running through the room, with all of us there together, was practically palpable. After a pretty tough year with school, work, my mum leaving for the States, and me living on my own, it absolutely warmed my heart to be together with all my best friends, celebrating happy occasions like birthdays and Christmas.




The 2 birthday girls toasting each other. Jess is in the gorgeous Zara dress that Pig Clan got her as her present. Doesn't she look fantastic? I love her in that dress!




Me surrounded by all my presents. I'm wearing the beautiful earrings Kokes got me, and on the table are chocolates from Kevin, an iPod cover from Yinghui, a Citigems pendant from Lindy, a wallet from Bryan, a make-up travel kit from Cindy, and the best, best, best gift of all:

An iPod Nano from the whole of Pig Clan.

When I opened it I literally screamed and jumped and teared up, it was something I had been wanting for so long and never in my wildest dreams did I expect that the Piglets would get it for me.




Me and Jess. This time it's Jess that's surrounded by all her presents. And this may sound narcissistic, but I heart my leggings.




Me and Cindy, who put the icing on my day by telling me I'd lost quite a lot of weight.


Another great day spent with great people, and I ended the day feeling absolutely loved and warmed by these fantastic buddies of mine.

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24th DECEMBER

After days of partying with friends, this was the day for family - my mum's family this time round.

I went to my uncle's condo where we had a barbeque going, and I joined my 4 little cousins in a bit of swimming before we launched headlong into the food that my 2 uncles painstakingly marinated, skewered, and grilled all by themselves.

The 4 boys have all grown tremendously and while playing with them I felt a little bit of melancholy come over me at the knowledge that they were growing up quickly and soon their childhood cuteness and innocence would be lost. Lijie's already 10, Junkai 9, Yonghao 7, and the baby Junwen is still a baby, turning 1 year old soon.

I resolved to spend more time with my maternal grandmother and the boys, and decided I would bring them out for a lunch and a trip to the zoo, which was what I'd been wanting to do for a long while but couldn't find the time.

My uncle made wine spritzers and egg nog and we all toasted Christmas in together, which, after a week of boozing crazily with friends, made for a nice, sedate change (though I admit I still prefer boozing with friends hahaha).

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Last but not least, a big big thank you to all the people who gave me such a wondrous birthday and Christmas this year. The memories will always be cherished. Thanks guys.

On Antelopes and Sex

A few days ago, I came across an article online (which I can't find now, so no hyperlink), which describes how female antelopes force male antelopes to have sex during the mating season until males actually collapse from exhaustion.

Apparently, competition is so fierce among the females that a female antelope will charge a pair in the midst of romping (poor chaps), separate them, and then mate with the male herself. Males can be forced to mate up to 12 times a day, sometimes for 2 or 3 days nonstop.

This intense competition has nothing to do with the male-to-female ratio between antelopes; it is in fact quite balanced. The problem is a biological one.

Female antelopes go into heat only for one month each year, and during that one month, there is only one day in which they can get pregnant. Therefore once they go into heat, they need to mate unceasingly in order to optimise conditions for pregnancy.

I told Pumpkin Flower (Jessie) about this article and she was extremely amused. "Wow that's girl power for you!" she squealed with barely-concealed glee when I told her how, in the antelope world, males are forced to mate by aggressive females when it's practically the other way around for most other species on this planet.

As we can all tell, Jess has changed her views on love, relationships, and most importantly, sex, ever since entering into a relationship herself. Heh.

Nah I'm kidding about that. Some people will probably remain nuns all their lives - Jess is one of them. Unless, of course, she actually gets married. Which, as things go, will probably be about another... 3 years down the road? Heh heh.

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I have to say though, the course of true love never runs smooth.

And in most cases, problems are caused by outsiders rather than oneself. (Though if you have the misfortune to hook up with someone who's rotten to the core, I'd have to say the problem lies with yourselves - your other half for being rotten, and you yourself for being dumb.)

However, I'm certainly glad to see my Pumpkin Flower positively blooming (no pun intended) under the careful watering, pruning, and weeding of her Mr. J. I have to say, it helps immensely that Mr. J himself is slowly waking up to his senses and weeding out (what is with all my gardening references?) nasty, gossipy, outside influences that by themselves should be much too insignificant to affect my best pal's first relationship in any way but Mr. J was, for a short while, too confused by the many bees constantly buzzing in his ear.

So Jessie reverted to her "assertive bitch" mode and told him where to shove it. And I cornered him on the train when we were both going to Jess's church for her baptism last week and told him where to shove it as well (though in more polite terms than Jess did, I'm certain).

And it seems to be working, because Mr. J is steadily ignoring those outside influences and spending more time with Jess, even in the office. You ought to see the both of them walking off for lunch together with the occasional arm-pat or hand-on-back caress - sweetness to the core. I get diabetic just looking at them.

Anyway, I guess men are just that way - you need to tell them where to shove it (mostly up their arses), train them well (woof-woof) and generally tell them what to do or where to go before they ignite our fuses and cause an irreversible explosion of shit.

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D and I are pretty much on and off.

Even I don't know what's going on anymore.

The only things I DO know is that:

1) my fuse is pretty close to igniting with regards to him and I'm afraid of what will happen and what I might blurt out if it does;

2) he's so stupid and dense I want to throttle him sometimes;

3) other times he either does or says something so utterly sweet, or simply sits there looking at me and looking so hot, I just want to fling my arms around him and kiss him;

4) he himself doesn't know what he wants; and

5) I do have some choices out there, so I don't need to be fixated on D, but I still am anyway.

Maybe I should have been born an antelope. At least that way, I could force... Never mind.