Fixated
I know, I know, I haven't been updating for ages. Thanks to work, examinations, and, erm, certain distractions, I haven't had the time to even check my email, much less bother logging into Blogger and posting entries.
Truthfully, the last 3 weeks have hurtled by in a total blur - so much so that I can't exactly even remember what I've been up to all this while. I was so busy I could barely breathe, and before I knew it exams were over and I suddenly have just slightly more free time on my hands.
I'm still sleep-deprived though. And my dark eye rings and eye bags are, to say the least, shocking.
_______________________________________________________
Emotionally, the last 3 weeks have been pretty much of a rollercoaster for me as well.
It's been so long since I last liked anyone, or dated anyone, that whenever things happened I was never sure how to conduct myself. So for the past month or so I had been shy, awkward, and unnatural. I didn't dare to do or say too much, and I actually caught myself carefully filtering and composing each and every sentence mentally before I dared to let it leave my mouth whenever I was around him.
To put things into perspective, I didn't say "fuck" in front of him for 2 solid months. When those people who know me can attest that I usually don't let more than 2 hours pass without saying "fuck".
It got to the point when I realised - I was getting tired. Tired of holding myself back, tired of acting like some demure Mary-had-a-little-lamb fairy tale girl (which I am 100% not), tired of being uncomfortable, tired of not being myself.
And about 2 weeks ago I decided to myself, "Screw it all, I can't be bothered anymore" and told myself I wasn't going to hide myself away for any guy (no matter how hot he may be, or how sweet, or how endearing).
So I reverted back to my "fuck it" bitchy loud obnoxious mode. And threw in a generous dose of outrageous flirting - something I'd never, ever done for years because I was in a relationship.
Jessie found it all very amusing - the way I threw my head back and laughed uproariously at his jokes, the way I tilted my head to one side as charmingly as I could while staring at him, the way I strutted up to him in the lift and parked myself so close to him that we were breathing into each other's faces while resting my arm on his shoulder, the way I told him daringly, "Fuck you!" when he suan-ed me, the way I told him how gorgeous I find him, the way I gently rubbed his arm, the way I teh-ed him into carrying things and fetching water for me, the way I leaned in close to him while telling him how good his cologne smells, the way I told him softly and privately that I think he is so endearingly sweet, the way I told him how he makes me laugh, the way I told him how looks-wise he was absolutely everything that attracts me in a man.
Apparently, being a flirtatious bitch works, because it did attract his attention way more than the previous fake demure shy sweet me did. And things just began moving on from there - much better than I hoped, or anticipated.
It's really good, actually, that I'm natural and being myself in front of him now because I feel so much more comfortable, and he is becoming more receptive and responsive to the natural me.
Moral of the story: Don't ever try to be someone you're not to impress someone else. It never works.
_______________________________________________
Xiaowan told me, "Sheen, you can find a better guy out there." But I'm incredibly fixated on this one.
I admit, the whole thing started out very much looks- and lust-based. Like I said, looks-wise, this guy has everything - everything - I want in a man, from his spiky hair to his crinkly eyes to his bright smile to that confident swagger.
Until I got to know him better, and realised that underneath that egoistic, strutting veneer, was a guy who was sometimes vulnerable, but covered it up quickly whenever the vulnerability slipped through.
A guy who would look down shyly when I complimented him, and look down shyly again when he said he thought I was quite pretty.
A guy who sat eating the breakfast sandwich I bought for him with that bright smile I like so much making his eyes crinkle at the corners.
A guy who always walks next to me or behind me and looks out for oncoming traffic for me.
A guy who cracks jokes to make me laugh whenever he senses sadness or tension in my eyes.
A guy who takes my stuff from me and carries them for me without a word of protest or complaint.
A guy whose insecurity and childlike demeanor showed when he asked me in private if I really did find him handsome.
A guy who is motivated, disciplined, hardworking, sensible, financially independent, saves and plans for the future, and ambitious.
A guy who is not affectionate, and who doesn't like people being affectionate to him, but can brighten the moods of everyone around him with a single one-liner.
A guy who will ask my friend for my choice of drink when I'm not around before asking for hers.
A guy who is curious about me but doesn't want to show it in front of me, but instead asks my friend about me when I'm not around and listens intently when others ask me questions about myself.
A guy who fits me perfectly - and I really do mean totally perfectly - in family background, current circumstances, upbringing, environment.
A guy who is so endearingly sweet and thoughtful, never in obvious ways, but in small, subtle details that show me he is more than just that egoistic swaggerer he portrays to the world.
Yes, I am incredibly fixated on him. And I really don't care anymore if he finds out or not because I simply do like him so much.
Truthfully, the last 3 weeks have hurtled by in a total blur - so much so that I can't exactly even remember what I've been up to all this while. I was so busy I could barely breathe, and before I knew it exams were over and I suddenly have just slightly more free time on my hands.
I'm still sleep-deprived though. And my dark eye rings and eye bags are, to say the least, shocking.
_______________________________________________________
Emotionally, the last 3 weeks have been pretty much of a rollercoaster for me as well.
It's been so long since I last liked anyone, or dated anyone, that whenever things happened I was never sure how to conduct myself. So for the past month or so I had been shy, awkward, and unnatural. I didn't dare to do or say too much, and I actually caught myself carefully filtering and composing each and every sentence mentally before I dared to let it leave my mouth whenever I was around him.
To put things into perspective, I didn't say "fuck" in front of him for 2 solid months. When those people who know me can attest that I usually don't let more than 2 hours pass without saying "fuck".
It got to the point when I realised - I was getting tired. Tired of holding myself back, tired of acting like some demure Mary-had-a-little-lamb fairy tale girl (which I am 100% not), tired of being uncomfortable, tired of not being myself.
And about 2 weeks ago I decided to myself, "Screw it all, I can't be bothered anymore" and told myself I wasn't going to hide myself away for any guy (no matter how hot he may be, or how sweet, or how endearing).
So I reverted back to my "fuck it" bitchy loud obnoxious mode. And threw in a generous dose of outrageous flirting - something I'd never, ever done for years because I was in a relationship.
Jessie found it all very amusing - the way I threw my head back and laughed uproariously at his jokes, the way I tilted my head to one side as charmingly as I could while staring at him, the way I strutted up to him in the lift and parked myself so close to him that we were breathing into each other's faces while resting my arm on his shoulder, the way I told him daringly, "Fuck you!" when he suan-ed me, the way I told him how gorgeous I find him, the way I gently rubbed his arm, the way I teh-ed him into carrying things and fetching water for me, the way I leaned in close to him while telling him how good his cologne smells, the way I told him softly and privately that I think he is so endearingly sweet, the way I told him how he makes me laugh, the way I told him how looks-wise he was absolutely everything that attracts me in a man.
Apparently, being a flirtatious bitch works, because it did attract his attention way more than the previous fake demure shy sweet me did. And things just began moving on from there - much better than I hoped, or anticipated.
It's really good, actually, that I'm natural and being myself in front of him now because I feel so much more comfortable, and he is becoming more receptive and responsive to the natural me.
Moral of the story: Don't ever try to be someone you're not to impress someone else. It never works.
_______________________________________________
Xiaowan told me, "Sheen, you can find a better guy out there." But I'm incredibly fixated on this one.
I admit, the whole thing started out very much looks- and lust-based. Like I said, looks-wise, this guy has everything - everything - I want in a man, from his spiky hair to his crinkly eyes to his bright smile to that confident swagger.
Until I got to know him better, and realised that underneath that egoistic, strutting veneer, was a guy who was sometimes vulnerable, but covered it up quickly whenever the vulnerability slipped through.
A guy who would look down shyly when I complimented him, and look down shyly again when he said he thought I was quite pretty.
A guy who sat eating the breakfast sandwich I bought for him with that bright smile I like so much making his eyes crinkle at the corners.
A guy who always walks next to me or behind me and looks out for oncoming traffic for me.
A guy who cracks jokes to make me laugh whenever he senses sadness or tension in my eyes.
A guy who takes my stuff from me and carries them for me without a word of protest or complaint.
A guy whose insecurity and childlike demeanor showed when he asked me in private if I really did find him handsome.
A guy who is motivated, disciplined, hardworking, sensible, financially independent, saves and plans for the future, and ambitious.
A guy who is not affectionate, and who doesn't like people being affectionate to him, but can brighten the moods of everyone around him with a single one-liner.
A guy who will ask my friend for my choice of drink when I'm not around before asking for hers.
A guy who is curious about me but doesn't want to show it in front of me, but instead asks my friend about me when I'm not around and listens intently when others ask me questions about myself.
A guy who fits me perfectly - and I really do mean totally perfectly - in family background, current circumstances, upbringing, environment.
A guy who is so endearingly sweet and thoughtful, never in obvious ways, but in small, subtle details that show me he is more than just that egoistic swaggerer he portrays to the world.
Yes, I am incredibly fixated on him. And I really don't care anymore if he finds out or not because I simply do like him so much.
posted by Sheena @ 9:10 PM
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